


You Are Not That Powerful

by MaddieandChimney



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, TW: suicidal thoughts, tw: gun shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:15:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24374896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: It's his third brush with death, the second one caused by her, because of decisions she had made. She loves him, but it's too selfish to stay.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15
Collections: Madney One-Shots





	1. Chapter 1

It was though time had simultaneously stood still whist also moving too fast around her.

The moment was all too similar, Chimney lying on the ground, barely conscious, surrounded by a pool of his own blood. It was an image she still saw so vividly in her sleep, one she talked about in therapy, the image she had initially struggled to wipe from her memory whenever she looked at him. Now, it was being replaced by an eerily similar version of Chimney, his eyes closed, surrounded by a pool of his own blood.

Only this time, she was there. She wasn’t being dragged past him, sobbing his name. She had dropped to her knees the moment it had happened, her hands pressing as hard as they could against his chest in an attempt to stem the bleeding as much as she could before help got there. It wouldn’t be long; she tried to tell herself, they were only outside the 118. Someone would have heard the shot from inside; someone would be out to help.

It wasn’t until she felt herself being pulled away from him that she realised they were surrounded by other people and she tore her eyes away from the man for the first time. Hen was talking to him as she checked his vitals, her face was panic-stricken but her voice was somehow calm, almost soothing. Tara was on the ground; Bobby was shouting something over the radio with his foot on the gun, as Eddie held the woman down. This only meant it was her brother’s arms around her, his grip tight when she tried to move back towards her boyfriend.

Her heart thumped against her chest, the blood pulsing in her ears, she could barely hear a word that was being said. Her eyes fixated on Chimney when his best friend’s calm demeanor crashed when she clasped her hands together over his chest. One pump, two pumps...

He was dead. That was all she could think, her gaze transfixed on the two, she could feel wetness on the back of her neck when Buck held her even closer to him. He was crying. He had loved Chimney too, all of the people surrounding them had loved him and he was gone _because_ of her. Suddenly, his grip relented and she found herself stumbling forwards, as if by instinct, Hen was screaming something at another Paramedic that Maddie barely recognised, but didn’t know. Chimney’s heart was beating again, the kind, amazing man was fighting back.

He was fighting for his life. Again.

Because of her. Again.

She couldn’t help but wonder exactly what he had done so wrong to deserve her crashing into his life. First Doug and now Tara, two people he never would have encountered had it not been for her. Two people she could have protected him from had she just stayed with her husband like the dutiful wife she was meant to be.

The next few moments went quickly, she felt her brother practically pushing her into the back of the ambulance. She found Hen forcing her to sit down, as her eyes remained on the still unconscious man. “I did this.” She spoke for the first time since the team had come running out of the building, Hen only glanced at her, a mixture of concern and confusion on her face. Neither of them spoke after that, their eyes only on the man they both loved.

* * *

The guilt continued to creep up on her as she sat in the waiting room, surrounded by the people he considered family. The worry was evident on their faces, even the food Athena had brought them had been discarded on the side. Bobby had been pacing, Hen looked as though she was going to vomit as Karen held her close, Eddie had barely looked up from the ground and Buck had been sat next to her since they arrived.

All his efforts to comfort his sister had been disregarded; she flinched away from every touch, pushed his hand away when he tried to take her hand in his own and refused to look at him even when he kept asking if she was okay as he repeated her name. After the three words she had spoken in the ambulance, she hadn’t said anything since. She had heard Athena try and question her, but she hadn’t been able to answer. Buck had muttered something about her being in shock, when he once again tried to wrap an arm around her shoulder and she had quickly shrugged him off.

Maddie only looked up for the first time when she heard a voice she didn’t recognise, “Howard Han?” Her legs didn’t feel as though they were own, they shook as she stood up and looked at the doctor. He was dead. Her heart dropped, she was so certain of the words that were going to fall from her lips. It was Bobby who anticipated her next move, catching her with ease when her legs finally collapsed beneath her. “He’s going to be okay,” She heard the words but she didn’t _feel_ them – how could he be okay? He had been shot right in front of her, there had been so much blood, his heart had stopped. How could he be okay?

Critical. Stable.

She repeated the words in her head, trying to convince herself of the truth behind them. Her Howie had made it through surgery, his heart was still beating, he was still fighting. The arms of the Fire Captain tightened around her and then her brother was kneeling beside them both, “Maddie, did you hear that?” It was as though he was talking to a child, his voice was soft, hesitant, nothing like a little brother talking to his big sister. When her eyes finally found his, he gently wiped at the tears that had fallen down her face, “You can go see him. He’s not awake, but you can be with him.” Each word was followed by a pause as he searched her face, looking for some recognition on her face.

“What if he doesn’t want me there?” Her voice was quiet, weak, _broken_ when she finally looked at her brother. He could see the guilt and desperation in her eyes, and he was quick to shake his head. “He’s always going to want you there.”

* * *

The two days that followed had been the longest.

Between Chimney lying unconscious in a hospital bed, and Maddie refusing to leave his side, the 118 and extended members had their hands full.

The unsettled, nervous energy Maddie emitted was becoming increasingly obvious by the day. She had managed to get out bits and pieces of the story, although Athena had already drawn a similar conclusion. Despite how she had tried to save his life, so someone else wouldn’t have to suffer the same pain she had, Vincent had died on the operating table. What followed, Maddie hadn’t been able to explain, but Athena had made her aware that Tara was on a psych hold as Chimney continued to fight.

She could remember leaving the firehouse after a family meal, Chimney had insisted on walking her to her car. They had been laughing, happy, until the world came crashing down around them. Maddie couldn’t remember if Tara had spoken, she could barely remember actually seeing the woman standing there until she heard the loud bang. It had taken a second for her to register that the gun hadn’t been pointed at her. Chimney had collapsed, and she had dropped to her knees almost immediately before she screamed his name.

She couldn’t remember that.

It had been Buck who recounted to her the moment that had led to the 118 to run outside after hearing the blood-curdling scream of the name of the man they all loved. For Eddie to tackle Tara to the ground without a second thought for his own safety, for Bobby to call for help, for Buck to grab his sister and yank her back so Hen and their colleagues could get to work.

She couldn’t remember anything other than the amount of blood, or Chimney’s closed eyes.

His eyes.

The same eyes that, in that very moment, were fluttering open.

Maddie hesitated, before she stood up suddenly, panicking when his eyes flickered towards her. She had longed more than anything for him to wake up, but seeing him look at her, watching as he struggled to breathe with the tube down his throat, the guilt increased tenfold. Her entire body was shaking as she stumbled backwards, “I-I’ll get help, I’ll...”

He was awake.

* * *

The first thing he remembered was the immense burning pain that had soared through his body. Quickly followed by the emotional pain of hearing the painful scream of the woman he adored. The rest came in flashes, brief acceptances that he was going to die, the happiness that he would see his mother again that had been succeeded by overwhelming sadness of what he would lose.

When his eyes opened, the first thing he felt was a hand squeezing his own, and then he saw her. A paler, more exhausted version of the woman he had been walking to her car that eventful night. The pain in her eyes broke his heart as he watched her back away, and he longed to tell her that he loved her after being so close to never being able to say those words out loud. Instead, he watched her practically run from the room, as he painfully coughed into the breathing tube.

Chimney’s eyes remained on Maddie even when the doctor spoke to him, following the instructions gently spoken as they pulled the tube from his throat. He wondered, for a moment, if the fear in Maddie’s eyes was due to how terrifying it must have looked, with the wires and machines around him. She hadn’t been there for rebar, or the very first days after he had been stabbed, although this was the closest he had come to death.

The recovery process would be long, it wasn’t something that could be rushed, and he wasn’t going to be back in work within weeks this time. It was the first life-or-death experience in which his heart had actually stopped – twice. The surgery had been long and difficult and they had been waiting for him to wake up for two days. The level of pain-induced exhaustion that had become all too familiar almost forced him to close his eyes once the doctor had left, but he reached out his hand for his girlfriend before he could let sleep overtake him. She hesitated, but she moved to take his hand, taking her place back on the seat he couldn’t imagine she had moved much from, before he opened his mouth to say the three words he longed to say.

Only sleep came a little faster than he planned.

* * *

He loved the people he called his family, he really did. But he couldn’t help but notice the tears in Maddie’s eyes every time one of the mentioned the fact he had been shot. He couldn’t miss the way she flinched at the jokes about him being invincible or how, when other people were around, she could barely look them in the eyes. He was also certain he could count the amount of words she had spoken on his hands, since he had woken up the week previous.

He had made the decision not to tell her how he felt whilst he was in a hospital bed, whilst he had watched her uncomfortably sleep in the chair next to his bed. That wasn’t the memory he wanted, it wasn’t the memory either of them deserved. But the moment they walked into his apartment, her arm around his waist and his around her shoulders in an attempt to steady him, he had blurted them out. The moment he had seen his home, he had been flooded with complete disbelief that once again, he had made it through something that a lot of people hadn’t.

Instead of the smile he had hoped would be on her face, she looked as though he had just slapped her. Her eyes were wide, helping him sit on his couch before she stumbled backwards, shaking her head, “Why?”

It was not the response he had been expecting.

Despite the fact he was meant to be resting, he found himself standing, taking a step towards her, only for her to take another back. Her chest was rising and falling at such a pace, he knew she was panicking, and for the first time since he had opened his eyes, he allowed himself to truly take her in. Her hair was dull, pulled back in a bun, she was pale, the skin under her eyes dark in contrast, the t-shirt she was wearing had once been tight-fitting, clinging to her curves in all the right places but right then, it hung off her. “Maddie,” His voice trembled, and he found himself taking another step towards her, until her back hit the wall behind her. The terrified look on her face didn’t stop him from closing the gap entirely, each step more painful than the last but worth it when he could wrap both his arms around her for the first time since he had woken up in the hospital.

“Talk to me.” Her arms remained limp by her side, as she hid her face in his chest, still not saying anything, “I need you to talk to me, Maddie because I’m terrified right now. I don’t know what’s going through your head; I don’t know how to help.”

He felt his hope rising when he felt her take a deep breath, only for his heart to break when she finally spoke, “You shouldn’t love me. I’m no better than Doug, I did this.” The shock caused his arms to drop, and she saw it as an opportunity to escape, easily slipping past him before she ran towards the bathroom. Chimney wasn’t sure he felt more helpless than he did right then, especially not when he heard the distinctive sound of the door slamming, and the lock turning.

Of all the scenarios he had played in his head on how it could go – that hadn’t been one of them.

* * *

Chimney found himself sitting on the floor outside the bathroom, listening to the soft sobs of the woman he longed to comfort. He felt his own guilt building up because he hadn’t said anything sooner, hoping that when he got home from the hospital, everything would be magically fixed. He should have known it wouldn’t be so easy.

He could understand it, he really could. It didn’t mean he felt it though or agreed. He had almost died three times – and two of those times had been in the follow-up to decisions Maddie had made. It didn’t take a genius to figure out why she would hate herself or blame herself. He supposed, in his silence, it _did_ take a genius to figure out what he could possibly say to her.

His heart broke with every sob he could hear through the door, wishing he could do or say something that would force her to open the door and into his arms. “Maddie?” His forehead pressed against the cool wall, as his eyes fell to a close, “I love you.” It was all he could think to say, there were no words of wisdom, no profound advice that would change the way she saw herself right then.

“It should have been me.”

Five words. It turned out that was how many words it took for her to completely break his heart. His hand moved to press against the door as tears finally slipped down his cheeks, wishing more than anything he could just hold her. “It shouldn’t have been anyone.” He responded, “But it happened, and we need to figure out a way to get through this. I think you need help.”

“I think you need to be in love with someone who doesn’t keep hurting you.” Her voice cracked, and his heart clenched the moment it did. If he could just find a way to get to her, if he could just hold her for even a moment so he could tell her everything he wanted to say, maybe she would start to believe him.

“You do not have that power, Madeline. You do not control what other people do, what decisions they make.” His words harshly spoken, and when she doesn’t respond, he continues, “Doug chose to pick up that knife, he chose to stab me. No, it wouldn’t have happened if you had stayed with him but the alternative would have been knowing life without you... and probably a world without _you._ And my life is not more valuable than yours, Maddie.”

The sobs had stopped.

“And the way things ended with Vincent and Tara would have ended the exact same way even if she hadn’t met you. You fought so hard to save the life of someone who didn’t deserve it. You didn’t cause her to have a breakdown; you didn’t put the gun in her hands. Listen to me, Maddie, and I mean it in the nicest way possible... you are **not** that powerful.”

The click of the lock caused him to push himself away from the door, his movements slow and delicate to avoid pushing his bodies limits any further than he already had. The door opened slowly and he held out his hand with a small smile on his face despite the tears. “I love you, please.”

* * *

Maddie’s arms wrapped tightly around her knees the moment she slipped onto the floor, her back to the door, sobbing. Her eyes closed tightly when she hid her face in her knees, hating herself for running away from the man she truly loved. The logical part of her told her she was heading in the exact same direction Tara had, but she continuously pushed it back, allowing the self-loathing to seep through her veins.

The guilt every single time she looked at him, the hatred she felt for herself whenever he winced in pain, the pain that felt like a punch in the stomach every single time someone made a joke about him beating death once again. She had spent the days he was unconscious just sitting by his bed, only leaving when she was forced to by her brother or Athena, providing them with one word answers here and there so they knew she could hear them.

The week that followed, she tried to be the best girlfriend she possibly could be – feeding him, grabbing him water anytime he needed, helping him to the bathroom, brushing her fingers through his hair until he fell asleep. But when he was asleep and she got the chance to breathe, she found herself planning how she could end it with him. There was some underlying trauma on his side, following on from Tatiana and rebar, and even if he hated her, she wouldn’t leave him to recover on his own. But the moment she knew it was okay, that he was going to be okay, she’d have to leave him for his own good. He probably wouldn’t survive a fourth encounter.

Those plans had been cemented in her brain, she made the decision that she had no choice but to say goodbye to the man she loved. She had to protect him from herself. There was only one way out of everything, one way to make sure she never hurt him or her brother, or anyone else again. She was a curse. But when he said those three words, those plans had crumbled into pieces so quickly, knowing she felt the exact same way about him.

There was another surge of guilt, knowing he was waiting for her on the other side of the door. Knowing she should have put him in bed and let him get some rest, just like the doctor had advised. Even after she had spoken, she half-expected him to leave her alone, the realisation of just how broken she was, when he should have been focusing on himself. The sudden fear that she was doing the one thing she had tried to avoid doing – making the entire situation all about herself.

The more he spoke, the weight on her shoulders lifted ever so slightly, the dark cloud she had found herself under seemed to ease just slightly. He _understood_ exactly what she was feeling without her having to say the words aloud, and she had never been more in love with him than she was right then. Because he was right, she really was crediting herself with so much more power than she actually had.

Moving slowly, she stood up, her fingers shaking as she moved to turn the lock. Despite everything, she still felt those butterflies in her stomach when she saw him sitting there, his hand outreached and _those_ words falling from her lips. It was selfish, so selfish of her to love him but she couldn’t help herself when her hand found his, carefully and gently pulling him to standing.

“I love you too...” With a sniff, she finally finds it in herself to look him in the eyes for the first time in a week, “But I think I need help. I think I’m going to do something stupid.” Desperation leaked from each word, and she knew by the look on his face that he understood exactly what she meant. His grip on her arms tightened, his nails slightly digging into her skin with the ferocity in which he held her close. She knew, just by looking at his expression, that she had broken his heart. And she hated herself for it – he had cheated death three times, he had fought with everything inside of him and there she was, admitting to him that she was ready to give up her own fight. _Selfish._ It’s what her parents had told her more than once, what Doug had embedded into her.

“I’m going to fight for you, Mads, but I need you to fight for you, too, do you understand?” Suddenly, his hands were cupping her face, forcing her to look right at him before she nodded, eventually allowing herself to break in front of him.

“I’ll fight. I promise.”


	2. Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains details of self-harm (not graphic)

The breaking point didn’t come for another three weeks.

The bubble both Maddie and Chimney had hidden themselves in since he had arrived home from the hospital, burst without any warning.

Chimney had known from the moment the party idea had been thrown around by his best friend, that it wasn’t the greatest idea. But he had given into the puppy eyes she had thrown his way, as she reminded him that they all wanted to celebrate the fact he had survived once again. Even if he had been signed off work for at least another month following, it had been too long since the last family get together. He understood the underlying tones though – he and Maddie had done a good job at hiding themselves away, as she focused her attention on helping him heal, whilst he focused his entire attention on making himself appear strong. Just so she wouldn’t break.

Only, it turned out, despite his best efforts, the storm came when they walked into the Grant-Nash house and Maddie – who absolutely didn’t want to be around anyone other than him and had made it clear she was only going for him – suddenly stopped, as her grip tightened on his arm. It had taken him a moment to register exactly what was happening, his own eyes moving to where she was looking. He would never admit it but even he could feel the sickness rising, swallowing the lump in his throat.

The banner had been revived, only the Chimney v Death tally was now on 3-0. Perhaps it had been funny the first time, maybe even the second time but seeing it there in black and white, suddenly brought back everything he had been so focused on pushing back so he could protect his girlfriend from the reality that came after the trauma. “Wow.” He managed to get out, a nervous laugh quickly following in an attempt to break any tension he could feel right then.

It was too late.

“Take it down.” Her first words were calm, and Chimney could see Buck moving towards them out the corner of his eye. He wondered if they could see the way she was shaking, just as he felt it from the hand he had placed on her lower back in an attempt to soothe her.

“It’s just a... joke...” Even Chimney flinched at that one; he had heard the jokes before, he had played along when Christopher asked him if he was a superhero, he had laughed when Hen used her own humour in a way to alleviate the grief she truly felt. But as he stood there, for the first time, he realised he had been so busy focusing on the guilt Maddie was feeling, he hadn’t even begun to deal with the fact he had died. He had been shot and his heart had stopped. He had been stabbed. He had a rebar through his head and somehow survived.

He was a miracle.

Everyone liked to tell him that.

He was a superhero. _Invincible_. Brave.

They also liked to tell him that.

He felt everything but those things right then. He was going to be sick, as though the realisation had only just hit. He should have died. 

He needed to push it back as far down as it would go, he could practically feel his girlfriend seething next to him. He could see the look on the faces of their friends, and he just knew what was about to follow would be neither pretty, nor easy. “ _A joke_?” Her tone was incredulous, “You think it’s funny?”

Suddenly her hand was gone from his arm, and he knew he had lost her.

“No, of course we don’t think it’s funny—it’s just, a banner...” Even Hen was at a loss for what to say, the banner had no intention of offending either Maddie or Chimney, or anyone in the room. It was meant to serve as a reminder of the amazing man who had somehow fought his way through the abyss three times too many.

Buck was the first to step in, quickly getting between his sister and his colleague, “Hey, guys... Maddie, we’ll take it down, okay? We’ll take it down...” He was trying to appease her, that much was clear, but she was already too far gone.

“It never should have been up in the first place! What the hell is wrong with you people? I’ve had to put up with all of you making your jokes, throwing this stupid party. He could have died because of me, and that wouldn’t have even been the first time. And you’re all here... smiling and laughing without a care in the world like none of it mattered!” She was screaming by the end, tears streaming down her cheeks before Buck tried to wrap his arms around her, causing her to practically throw herself back, refusing the comfort of anyone, especially her little brother.

Everything she had been holding in for three weeks, in an attempt to be the best girlfriend she possibly could be. Her constant attempts to soothe Chimney’s pain as much as she could, she cried when he was asleep, finding solace only in the razor blade she had hidden in the bathroom. It wasn’t her proudest moment, but if it stopped her from sobbing on her boyfriends shoulder at every given opportunity, if it helped her give him the best care possible, then it was the best solution she had.

“Do you know what? Fuck you all! Fuck—“ Chimney’s arms wrapped around her from behind, as he yanked her towards his body. Both of them could see the shock on everyone else’s faces; how pale Buck had gone when her sleeve had ridden up revealing the angry marks she had marred her own skin with. When her elbow collided suddenly with his chest, perfectly placed over his almost healed surgical scar, he gasped.

And as quickly as her anger had appeared, it dissipated. His arms dropped from around her, and her head whipped around to see the obvious pain on his face he was trying (and failing) to cover up. “See? _I’m_ the problem. All I do is hurt you.”

He was too winded to convince her otherwise, only to collapse to the ground the moment she ran out of the house and away from them with Buck chasing after his sister, muttering an apology to his friends. It was only when the door closed, and he knew it was safe to do so, Chimney burst into tears. Something usually reserved for those moments Maddie took her two hour long showers, or when she left the apartment to grocery shop.

Brick by brick, the walls he had spent the past few weeks building around him, collapsed. It was Hen who dropped to her knees first, taking the shaking man in her arms as she whispered soothing words into his ear. Once the tears started, he wasn’t sure if he could stop, the dam had broken. A silence fell over the rest of the people in the room, before Eddie moved quickly to remove the banner without saying a word. They all had their own share of trauma from that evening, each of them handled it differently, mostly with a little humour to try and take the edge off as much as they possibly could. Only none of them had expected it to backfire in the way it had.

It was only ten minutes later that Chimney found himself shoving Hen away from him, scrambling up so he could run to the kitchen sink, knowing he wouldn’t make it to the toilet in time before he heaved. It wasn’t until he was entirely certain there was nothing left to come up, that he looked at the concerned faces of the people he considered his family, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He whimpered, his throat sore, his grip tight on the edge of the counter, “I-I’m so sorry...”

The apologies kept flying from his mouth, until Bobby pulled him away from the sink, “You have nothing to be sorry for.” His lip trembled once more, his teeth bearing down on his bottom lip until he could taste blood. No matter how hard he tried to stop himself from breaking once again, the floodgates had opened. It was Bobby this time, who took the shorter man in his arms and closed his eyes as he listened to the heart wrenching sobs that shook his entire body.

* * *

It didn’t take Buck long to catch up to his sister, quickly embracing her the moment he did. The more she fought him, the tighter his hold got, even when she clenched her fists and slammed them against his chest, each punch getting weaker until he felt her knees buckle. He moved down with her, not caring who saw them. He felt as though he had failed her so many times before, even when he was a teenager, not able to see who Doug really was. This was just another thing he could add to the list.

Desolate sobs wrecked her body, and each one caused his heart to throb in an increasingly painful way with every one. There was nothing he could say to take any of the pain away, he was reminded, only for a moment, of all the times he had held her when she cried as children. She was six years older than him, but it hadn’t stopped a nine year old Buck snuggling up to his fifteen year old sister as she cried through her first heartbreak. The pain then was nothing in comparison to what she was feeling right then, and he had no words of wisdom just as he didn’t when he was nine. But he could only hope the sentiment of him being there for her was enough.

When her body stopped shaking, and she sobs quietened down, he took it as an opportunity to pull back only a little so he could take her hand in his, his fingers curling around the edge of her sleeve before he pulled it up. “Why? Why would you do this to yourself, Maddie?” His fingers gently traced over what looked to be the newest mark, feeling bile rise in his throat as he stared at the angry, red skin.

“Chim asked me to fight. I didn’t want to let him down.” It made sense in her head, but it made no sense to him. He could still remember the first time he had caught his sister in the bathroom, razor blade against her thigh. He had only been seven years old, but she had promised him it wouldn’t happen again. Even over twenty years later, the betrayal of a broken promise hit him deeply. “I want to die, Evan.”

There it was, out in the open, unable to remove the words from the universe once said out loud.

His eyes burned with unshed tears, and he bit down hard on his tongue in an attempt to stay as strong as he could for the broken woman in front of him. He quickly wiped at the single tear that fell, angry at himself for breaking, before he looked at the house behind them and then back at his sister. “I-I think... I think I need to take you to hospital, Maddie. Do you understand?”

With a sniff, she nodded her head, “I think so, too.”

That was all the permission he needed to stand up, pulling her up gently with him. He thought for a moment of telling Chimney where they were going, but he had seen the similar broken look in the man's eyes. He would understand if Buck needed to act in his sister's best interest, and only her best interest. "You're going to be okay," His words were full of promise and he pressed a kiss to her forehead, "You and Chimney are both going to be okay." 

* * *

It was Maddie's idea to take the break. Not from their relationship, not from loving each other but just from using each other as a way to avoid their own pain. The six weeks without him felt both necessary and painful, in ways she couldn't begin to explain. She had asked him not to come to visit her, in the knowledge they both needed their own time and space to heal in their different ways. 

She hadn't told him when she was leaving the hospital - there was no miracle cure for the amount of guilt that had been weighing down on her but she felt as though she could breathe again. She could finally see past the formidable darkness that had embraced her from the moment Tara had pressed the trigger. And she finally felt ready enough to face him and ask him if he could see a future with her, having run through every possible scenario with her therapist. She wouldn't blame him if he slammed the door in her face; he had been shot, he was the one who could have died and she hadn't been there for him in every single way possible. He had felt the need to hide his trauma from her, because he knew she couldn't handle it. Was that any basis for any successful relationship?

With a nervous crack of her knuckles, she stared at the door of his apartment and took a deep breath. She had a key, she was used to letting herself in but it didn't feel right in that moment. What if he couldn't forgive her? Buck had told her that he was finally getting to a good place, making progress with his own therapist, he was even signed off to return to work in a weeks time. Suddenly, her being there didn't seem like a good idea - more progress had been made in the past six weeks without her by his side than in the four weeks she had tried to make everything better and completely failed. What if he didn't want her back? 

She took a deep breath, in an attempt to soothe the nervous sickness that caused her stomach to churn, and knocked. 

It was only a minute before the door opened, "Don't you have your key?" He asked, as though no time had passed, a confused look on his face when she frowns before he opens the door a little wider. "I would have picked you up from the hospital." 

"Buck told you I was coming, didn't he?" 

With a shrug, Chimney gave her a small smile, "He might have mentioned it, I didn't want to push you. Are you coming home?" 

Her eyes were searching his face, more than a little confused, "H-home?" It was the first time in a long time that he had stepped towards her and she didn't move away, "We took a minute. We needed a minute, and now it's time to take our minute together, okay?" She realised right then just how much she had missed the way his eyes sparkled, the way he smiled and more than anything - the piece of gum he was currently chewing on. She realised that it was the first time in nearly two months that she was looking at him and not feeling that shattering feeling of self-loathing for being responsible for every ounce of pain he felt. 

"I thought you'd hate me." She admitted, "I thought we were over." When he took both her hands in his own, she couldn't stop herself from smiling, the relief that she was finally home. "I'm still not fully okay but I wanted to... do the rest of my healing with you." 

"I'm not either but I'm glad you're home." His lips brush against hers softly, and it's the first time she's felt them in so long, she immediately melts into it. Her hands moved from his hands up to his neck, a small groan falling out before she let out a soft giggle and pulled back ever so slightly. "I ran through about fifty different ways this could have gone... I was so nervous that you would hate me." Her hand moved to stroke his cheek, just taking him in completely, almost having forgotten what he felt like. 

"I could never hate you, we're going to get through this together, okay?" 

"Together." She whispered in return, a firm nod of her head, until her lips move back to his, drinking in every moment she possibly can.


End file.
